Big Cat Little Cat
The cat wouldn’t stop mewing so he snapped it in half with his bare hands and that’s when he found the golden egg that solved all of their financial problems. Of course, the cat wasn’t too happy about having to die in such a cruel and painful way but he forgave them when he came into cat heaven and even sent them some healing prayers. Sometimes a lesser life form has to sacrifice itself in the interest of a higher ideal and this was one such occasion. The egg in question was solid gold and proved to be worth a tidy sum when it was auctioned at Sotheby’s London headquarters. An undisclosed collector made the winning bid of two hundred million pounds over the phone and we, of course, hope that he will be very happy with his purchase. The tax man and the VAT collectors were also in a jovial frame of mind when they collected almost half of the cat owners money directly before he even got to feel the cheque with his grubby little fingers.
Exactly how long the egg had been inside the cat we have no idea. Furthermore, how it came to be there also remains a mystery to us and if the cat hadn’t been such a pain in the neck we would never have found it in the first place. Perhaps the moral of the story is that even when things in life are a pain they may still have a gift for us. Just think if we had never snapped the cat in two the golden egg could have ended up buried inside his remains in some unused corner of our garden. Perhaps there are other cats that have golden eggs inside of them and that would explain why veterinary surgeons are all running around in the top of the range Merc’s and Beema’s. Perhaps they have known about these golden eggs all along and they have been slashing all the dead cats open to get their hands on them.
My advice is that you check your cat either by x-ray or a good feel around the stomach area and who knows you too could be a golden egg millionaire too.
The cat whose name was Toby, by the way, had struck a deal with God who had allowed him to return to earth as a lion. It just so happened that the guy benefiting from the sale of the golden egg had decided to spend some of his money on an all-inclusive safari holiday to Africa. The guide had assured him that these affairs were quite safe so long as you followed instructions and stayed in the vehicle at all times. Popping out to answer the call of nature was, therefore, probably not the best move to make when travelling in lion territory. The recently incarnated lion couldn’t believe his luck when he was presented with a big fat dinner so early in the day. He was further amazed to discover that his impromptu lunch also happened to be the same bastard that had snapped him in half in his past life when he was a cat. He could have killed him pretty quickly but decided to play around with his food first before ripping his stomach open to get at the juicy parts. Any nutritionist worth their salt will tell you by the way that these juicy parts such as the internal organs contain the largest concentration of the minerals and vitamins needed to sustain life. This may explain why the primary predators usually leave the lean meat to the carrion birds, hyenas, and other scavengers.
The guide realised that putting a bullet through the lions head wasn’t going to make any difference to the situation other than depriving the other adventurers of some great photo and video for social media. After all, they had paid good money to see nature and it didn’t get any closer to the real thing than seeing one of your party getting torn asunder by a big cat. He took the jeep in real close so that they could all get a good look at the carnage and some even managed to pat the lion on the head too. The guide could hardly believe his good fortune and he had a feeling that some pretty generous tips would be coming his way at the end of the trip.
Unfortunately, he had broken his own cardinal rule and taken his focus off the safety of those entrusted into his care. Whilst they had been so busy soaking up the very best of mother nature’s entertainment on the left side of the vehicle, the rest of the pride had crept up undetected on the right. In these remote parts, jeep spares were worth a premium, especially on the black market. This particular pride of lions had set up a lucrative deal with an exporter in Cape Town and eating any possible witnesses was a key component in the smooth operation of their innovative business plan.
The Alpha male was already behind the wheel before anyone realised what was happening and even as they accelerated away the lion who had been the main focus of their attention was leaping up through the rear door of the jeep. He disarmed the guide and swiped him with a huge paw knocking him clear of the accelerating vehicle. His wounds would only be minor and they didn’t want to kill their goose that laid their particular golden eggs. They knew that eventually, he would return with more tasty white meat and another late model jeep. It sure beat chasing around the savannah wrestling scrawny animals to death. Even better, the cash from their chop shop operation kept them in a warm and comfortable home during the colder winter months. The guide would get his cut later and even if anyone had suspected that he was in on it, eating the witnesses always proved to eliminate any possible problems in that area too.
So life was good. One minute you were being snapped in half by gold diggers, the next you were eating those who sought to exploit you. Good old Mother Nature really does have her own way of ensuring that the correct balance is maintained, and after all, humans are just one of the many components in the food chain. The carnage in the back of the jeep continued for some time as the alpha male drove deep into the bush. Once the pride had eaten their fill and ensured that all of the loose ends had been tidied up they pushed the remains out of the back door much to the delight of the waiting hyenas and buzzards.
It was all in a day’s work and by now the suitably distressed guide would have been rescued by the next party of tourists that came along the well-used track.
So far, being incarnated as a lion seemed to be working out pretty well. A full stomach, a few hours of gratifying vehicle dismantling at the remote chop shop, and hopefully a leisurely wander round to see a few of the females. A busy day like that was sure to set Toby up for a great night’s sleep. Ah, what a job, but I suppose someone has to do it.